I can only answer for the lip piercings. 1. Nope, getting my ears pierced hurt a lot more and they were both done at 14g. 2. Depends on the person it was about 3 weeks for me. 3. Yeah when you first get them done because the rings are large. 4. Mine were done in about 5 minutes but every piercer is different. 5. Buy some fake lip rings and try them on.
The smiley piercing may look cool, but without proper fitting jewelry, it can cause major damage/ discomfort to your teeth (as will any other oral piercing). A well done smiley will give you minimal discomfort. Snakebites follow the same procedures. Oral piercings take a short amount of time to heal (max. 6 weeks). I don't understand how time is a concern; you should be worried about the efficiency and care of your piercer. And ask a professional in your area for their input :)